When Ryker headed for Venezuela to rescue Trevor, he decided he’d start writing Wren a letter before each mission. This is the first of those letters.
Little bird,
I don’t know what we’re walking into here. Without West’s skills, we could be in trouble. I don’t know Dani, this woman coming with us, and though Ford’s vouched for her, she could be batshit crazy. Scratch that. she has to be to want to go into that hell hole.
When we used to deploy, we’d always write a letter to our family. In case we didn’t come back. The first few, you think you’re invincible. You don’t put much into those.
Then, someone gets hurt. Or you lose a man. And those letters get serious in a hurry. You say all the things you wished you’d said before you left. All the things that you think will bring your family comfort.
I won’t write one of those letters to you. This isn’t something I want you to get if I don’t make it back. This is something I need you to read when I do.
So, here goes.
You wish I’d talk more. Don’t give me that face. You do.
I don’t know how.
I’m trying to learn.
This…a letter…it’s easier.
You saved me, Wren. The way you see right through me? Always know what I’m thinking? You force me to open up. I worry about all the darkness I’m forcing on you. All the nightmares. Fuck, I don’t even know how you can stand to look at me half the time.
“You’re magnificent.” That’s what you’re saying right now.
I’m not. I’m a monster. And I’m not just talking about my scars.
Sweetheart, even if everything goes perfectly on this mission, people are going to die, and I won’t regret killing them. I’ll have to if I expect to get the target out alive. And I will get him out. No question. We never leave a man behind. Not…after Ripper.
Every time I walk away from you, I’m fucking terrified that when I come back, you won’t be able to look me in the eyes. That it’ll finally be too much for you. I couldn’t survive if my darkness smothered your light.
You hear so much over comms. Too much.
Want to know what you’re saying right now? “Horsepucky. I’m not a child, Ry.”
No, you’re not. You’re brilliant. Brave. Strong. You’re my wife, and I thank whatever higher power is up there that you agreed to marry me. That you don’t let me hide when all I want to do is keep my darkness far away from you.
The first time I kissed you, I didn’t want to stop ever again. But I was terrified I’d break you. Letting you go that night, by the window at the Boston Fairmont, was the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. Harder even than breaking out of Hell Mountain. Than being shot, crawling over rocks and snow, and falling down a cliff, just to get to safety.
I did let you go, but only after I memorized everything about you. Your taste. Your scent. How it felt to wrap my hands around your ass. And when I walked away, I saw the hurt in your eyes. You thought I didn’t care.
Sweetheart, nothing could have been further from the truth. I cared too much. I always will.
You were the first person outside of doctors I ever let see my scars. All of my scars. And then you didn’t run away. You hugged me, and fuck, little bird. Your cheek against my chest, knowing you could feel every burn, every scar that will never heal and seeing that you didn’t care? Nothing has ever meant as much to me than that single moment.
I’m on my third piece of paper now, and you’re going to get this and wonder who hit me over the head.
No one. After all that shit with Dax, I knew I had to make a choice. Let you in, or risk losing you forever.
I kept a secret from you, little bird. I started talking to someone again. Not often. Every few weeks. Fifteen months of Hell, being tortured within an inch of my life? It made me a shitty conversationalist. But I want to be better. For you.
This…it’s a start. I’m not ready to say any of this in person. Fuck, I don’t know if I ever will be. But I’m journaling again. And maybe…this is a way to let you in.
There’s so much I wish I could tell you. Like how much I worry about you. How…
Fuck it. If I’m going to do this, I’m not going to do it halfway. After Hell—after those assholes carved me up and turned me into…this—I didn’t want anyone else to have to look at me. I spent months sleeping in the warehouse. Only going out at night. Staying away from as much of society as I could. Figured I’d spend whatever life I had left making sure no one else had to suffer like I did.
Before I ended up in Hell…I was different. I’ve never told anyone this. Not even Dax. But I wanted kids, sweetheart. Then they turned me into a monster and broke that dream like they broke so many bones. I scare kids. And I should. But these past few months, I’ve wondered. What if…?
We never talked about it. And with this job, this life…I don’t even know if we should. But a little one with you—with your hair, your smile? Your brains? I’ve wondered. What would she think of me? Would I even be able to hold her? Or would she be too scared of me?
Stop worrying I’m being forced to write this under duress. I’m not. I just don’t know how to say the words. So many times, I’ve tried. They won’t come.
If I thought you’d be able to hear me with how loud this plane is, I’d call you right now and try again. I will be better for you. Because you won’t accept anything else. I love that about you.
I love so many things about you. Those…I think I could manage to say out loud. So I will. When I get home, I’m going to tell you. Every day.
Until I almost lost you, I’d given up on having a family. Any sort of family. And now, I have my brothers back. And my team. But most of all, you. I love you. You’re my light. My hope. My heart.
I’ll come back to you. I don’t have a choice. Because nothing in this world means more to me than you.
Ryker
Damn.
Awesome emotional scene. Part of me would love a scene of the birth. Wren screaming her “swears”, Ryker cheering her on and kicking everyone out of the room.
OMG, how beautiful. Ryker and Wren’s story was the first book of yours I read, and I FELL IN LOVE!! Then I read everything on your backlist. Thank you so much for all your words, I’ve loved every one. ❤️❤️
Thank you for this! Even if it made me cry. I love Wren and Ry’s love story.
Wow, Patricia.. way to rip out my heart in under 2 minutes. I literally have tears running down my cheeks. And that my friend is why I love your books and keep coming back fir more. Your talent is never ending. ❤
♥️♥️♥️
Thank you for this!
I love Ryker always have and this piece here just confirms it. Opening his heart so in this letter OMG love it thank you
#Ughhh! Patricia I love #Wren & #Ryker there story tugs at my #Heart❤️
My heart breaks and heals all at once while reading this (with tears, no less!). I love them both so much.
Omg. I’m in tears. This was beautiful.
Love love this!! I can’t wait for more!!!
Wow! That was great…. loved it, made me choke up. Ryker and Wren are just great together.
Wow! Beautiful. ❤️
Oh! I love this! I hope there will be more to this.
This was both heartbreaking and endearing, at the same time. I love that you’ve continued to share Ryker and Wren’s emotional journey together, with us. Thank you!
Always loved Ryker. Yeah, he’s big and hard as hell to kill, but his true strength has always been his heart. Wren helps him see that, showing her own strength.
Love seeing this personal side of the big guy. He’s going to be a helluva dad!
Should it be a girl, I *do* feel sorry for the boys who will come calling….
Crying! My heart physically aches right now that is how potent this scenario is. This author has a gift for it can just grab at your heart And make you feel all of the feels. Ryker and Wren are my favorite characters.
Crying! My heart physically aches after reading this scene. That is how potent this author’s gift is. Ryker and Wren are my favorite characters from the Away Series. I just want to say thank you to Patricia Eddy for writing these magnificent stories.